Cristiano Ronaldo Surprises People of Spain as Geriatric Phenom

In this edition of pro athletes dressing up like old people, Cristiano Ronaldo schools unsuspecting normals in a town square of Madrid, Spain. On any given day, the Real Madrid striker and international fashion icon would be swarmed by eager-eyed school kids, bikini models, and fully grown male fanboys wearing his shirt. But disguised as a furry street man, he’s anonymous — and on the street pitch, he has his work cut out for him to get anyone to pay attention.

Will the real Cristiano please stand up?

The Portuguese marketing darling partnered with Monster to promote his new line of headphones for this “gotcha” video, but we really just wanted to see him chase surprised people down — and preferably meg as many of them as possible.

We did a play-by-play of the giggle-worthy action as el capitán pulls out all the stops to get somebody, anybody, to please pay attention to him!

00:25 “The captain” enters town square at 1400 hours. He appears to have a canine in tow. Our first suspicions are piqued: What kind of homeless man owns a purebred skye terrier?

00:40 After putzing around pretending to be a nobody, Cristiano starts ball handling. Look people, this homeless man is really good at juggling. Anybody?

00:45 Ronnie performs an advanced move, switching the ball from one foot to the other. All we can say is we would’ve definitely suspected something if we saw this. In fact, we would have tackled him and pulled down his fake, dirty Santa beard to reveal him for the olive-toned Adonis that he is!

00:48 Cristiano does a move that’s a dead giveaway he’s a professional. It’s also uncharacteristic; where he merely needs to enter a room to draw eyes, this just screams “I’m Cristiano Ronaldo! Look at me! I’m Cristiano Ronaldo!” (The kind of shouting he doesn’t have to do, normally.)

00:53 Cristiano grows despondent with life as a “normal” and begins to exhibit signs of mania. Symptoms include forcing old men to play kick with him and hooting like it’s the Copa del Rey.

01:18 Cristiano forgets he’s making a marketing video and asks a cute girl for her number.

01:20 Cristiano experiences “rejection” for the first time in his adult life. What is the meaning of this? Oh yeah! I’m dressed like a dirty bum! Ah ha! Viva el fútbol! 

01:35 No more mister nice CR7! Cristiano launches a ball in the air and traps it with a buttery soft touch. He goes on to pull out his trademark jukes and feints, basically performing Cirque du Ronaldo. People of Spain, if you don’t recognize him now, you don’t deserve him.

Guess what, guys?! It’s me!

02:47 After an exhausting rollercoaster of emotions, Cristiano calls it quits at 3 o’clock. This hour has been nerve-wrecking and humiliating, but ultimately satisfying as Ronaldo unveils his identity to a young boy and gives him a signed soccer ball. Props to the kid for pretending to know who this person is. That ball is going to fund your college tuition, son.

Personally, we prefer Séan Garnier’s video for more of that M. Night Shyamalan magic, and Pepsi’s Uncle Drew series, where the concept was created. We understand tho, Ronnie, it’s hard to make a viral video. Best to leave these kinds of things to the experts.